So, The Apprentice is back for series six and when a long-running television show reaches its sixth run, chances are it's been around long enough that it is beginning to show age, it's formula perhaps in danger of becoming, well, formulaic. Long-serving stars are beginning to show their age, maybe the writing and the storylines are beginning to run out of steam. If you're talking about a reality television program, usually some knee-jerk change to the format needs to be made so the audience sits up and takes notice again. For example, the X Factor introduced live auditions, so that the crowd go cheer or jeer at prospective candidates, making already embarrassing/amazing auditions that bit worse/better.
Lord Alan Sugar began his sixth run of "the job interview from Hell" by having his candidates come to his office at midnight, and putting them straight to work. In times gone by, they'd get a chance to unwind at a barbecue, meet one another, make some wild claims about how they'd been in business since birth, at which point they'd sold their mother's amniotic fluid back to her for a tidy profit. Now, they have to do all that in the back of a car. I suppose it's a step up from Seralan, who started Amstrad "from the back of a van".
He's not called Seralan now though. It's Lord Sugar, and the fact that Gordon Brown didn't think such a peerage would lead to one of British business's leading figures sounding like a strip club in central Manchester, well, that's part of the fun.
Nick is back though, with his suitcase of amazing facial expressions. One day, I will throw a party and invite him, just so he can walk around looking generally confused and disapproving all night. Also, Margaret has been replaced by Karren Brady, who is perhaps even more of a cyborg than her predecessor. At one point Lord Sugar made a joke, and when she cackled.....
Sorry, back to the point. So, what about the candidates? Well, the first thing is that this is a recession themed series. This means that some of the people have been made redundant, lost money, or been unable to find work. People like Raleigh Addington, who constantly looks like he wants to burst into tears. When his parents name him Raleigh, I can't say I blame him.
The two main stars of Episode One, were Dan Harris, and of course Stuart Baggs. Stuart Baggs, the Brand. Everything he touches, turns to sold. Yes, he actually says these things. He runs his own telecoms company on the Isle of Man. Maybe he's a brand on the Isle of Man, and this is consequently why no one's heard of him when he says he's one of the most successful businessman "in the world". He doesn't have a glass ceiling. Yeah me neither Stuart. Maybe because it's a metaphor, for how women don't get paid enough, because they have to compete with irritating men, who have equally irritating hair cuts, like you. Yes you Stuart!
Anyway, after Lord Sugar has given them their task, which this week is to go out, make and sell their own sausages, the groups have to divide themselves into teams, or teeeems, as the narrator call them.
There is a boys' teeeem and a girls' teeeem. The girls' name themselves Apollo, because it makes you mindful of adventure, and discovery, and Apollo was the name of the first manned mission to the moon. I'm sure Armstrong, Aldrin and the other guy are all avid Apprentice fans too. Better than "Winning Women", which is either a gentrified escort agency or a book of dating tips.
The boys name themselves Synergy, THEN THEY APPLAUD THEMSELVES. That's right, they applaud themselves for naming their team. I hope to Christ none of these guys are ever in the delivery room when their wives give birth. I hope to Christ Stuart never procreates.
So it's off to Smithfield Meat Market, and here's where it gets appetising, if you'll pardon the pun. The boys opt for bargain sausages, whilst the girls go for gourmet sausages, or "gourmet, uh sausage territory" as Nick calls it.
Dan is the doomed leader of Synergy. As he says, he's "got no room for shirkers". Maybe he meant Gurkhas, or Sherpas. Joanna leads the girls, but Nick doesn't seem to think she's up to much. He makes expressions, then makes some caustic remarks outside.
"Honestly, it's just a shambles, actually it's irritating."
The first task is always the best, because you watch sixteen supposedly intelligent people just bugger up the simplest task. The girls get by alright, but the boys try to put rusks in the sausage mixture, so their bargain bangers just end up looking like poo. Also, none of the boys can negotiate, so the butchers who work at the market come across as having more business sense than the candidates. which they probably do anyway.
The boys still have no concept of irony/satire/the fact they're all idiots, as Dan proves when he asks "who is doing the mincing?".
Two of the boys giggle churlishly at the back - "wahey, he said mincing, he's a gayboy/bumder".
Meanwhile, over at the girls' factory, Melissa "Chuckles" Cohen, keeps calling sausages "sosarges". Nice.
So, then they go off to different parts of Lairndon, to sell their sausages. Stuart is in his element here, yelling at customers, even saying to one poor sod passing by "Excuse me sir, you look like a sausage conoisseur". He follows an old man down the street for about ten yards. Apparently he knows how to connect with people. Would that be on the telephone Stuart, when people can't see your face?
The girls sell their sausages first, the boys have to go door to door with theirs. Yes, door to door sausages. Morrisons are really missing a trick here.
The ladies sell theirs, mainly, by flirting with a chef, which seems to work out great. Then Melissa and Joanna fight over who gets to close the deal with him. Meanwhile, Nick just stands next to them, making some expressions. He shakes his head too.
They all have to be back in the boardroom for 5pm. This is like 24, only with meat packaging involved. When they're all sat down again, Lord Sugar emerges from what I'm going to call the anteroom, behind his chair. I've always wondered what's beyond that door behind his chair. Is the secret to his immortality back there? Does he watch his entire business empire from a control room, pressing buttons and generally being evil?
They introduce themselves, their team names, and their team leaders. When the girls explain their deep, complex reasons for choosing Apollo, Alan quips "Well, let's hope you're able to...get off the launch pad." Oh Lord Sugar, you're such a card. Nick also sticks his oar in at this point, saying "Stella and Elizabeth are hot...on the figures." Cheers for that Nick.
Turns out the girls won, so the boys are back tomorrow. Lord Sugar is tired you see, because waiting for sixteen people to come back from selling sausages is tiring work. So the girls go off to the House, where they're treated to a champagne barbecue. Meanwhile, the boys retreat to a cafe, where team leader Dan just proceeds to shout some more. It's always a cafe, isn't it? They never go to the pub. Or the dog tracks. Or just crash the other team's party, with a crate of WKD.
Next morning, the boys are up to head off to the boardroom. Stuart is so confident of his Not Being Fired, that he takes his suitcase, but doesn't pack anything in it.
Let's just clear this up. He doesn't leave his suitcase behind. No, he takes it, but leaves it empty. And goes to the trouble of telling a camera crew. So, if he did get fired, he would have to explain to a bemused cabbie that he's got his suitcase, but neglected to pack it. I do that all the time, for jokes, on my way to the airport.
Sorry, how many people did you fight off to get on the show Stuart?
As it turns out, the boys turn on Dan. Raleigh looks like he's going to cry at one point. Stuart does this ridiculous thing where he punctuates barbed comments with sips of water.
"How many sausages, DID you make, Dan?"
Alan fires Dan, then warns Nick and Karran that he won't put up with Stuart for much longer. That's code for he's a ratings winner and will be in it until week 8.
Next week, they have to sell beach equipment. It looks like the girls start to lose it next week. More of an Apollo 13 vibe then.
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