The one thing that I was thinking at the beginning of this week's episode, was do we really need the five minute introduction about who Lord Alan Sugar is? Apparently he's a serial entrepeneur. Oh God, that sounds menacing. Still, he could be a cereal entrepeneur, but then Sugar Puffs is already taken. This year, there's a great shot of him stepping out of a glass elevator, like he's Eldon Tyrell from Blade Runner.
The introduction to this week's task was one of those gloriously ostentatious ones. The candidates get woken up by Lord Sugar's secretary, who speaks like she's giving a Mission: Impossible briefing, but badly. They have to go to Heathrow Airport. The cars will be there to pick them up in half an hour. This phone will self-destruct in five seconds.
Now, me being a happy-go-lucky sort of person, I always associate a car ride to the airport with going on holiday. This, however, is not the case in the twisted world that is Apprentice-land. No, because they could be going to sell magic carpets in a sultanate that borders with Saudi Arabia; but given the goddamn craaazy rules of the show, there is an equal chance they could be off to sell beach umbrellas in Skegness.
When the candidates get to the airport, Lord Sugar isn't even there. Instead, Karen and Nick just flank a massive whopping projector screen of him. 'Hi, I can't be with you today,' is his gentle message. Isn't that a bit like what Christ said, prior to his Ascension? Lord Sugar can't be there because he has pressing business.
This was the guy, remember, who in a recent interview with Piers Morgan, professed to Sky Plussing Law and Order and then watching it back to back for days on end. Pressing business indeed.
I always think the producers could take more risks with the team briefings. I mean, why not make it super awkward by having them all meet at a sauna, with Lord Sugar giving the briefing in the steam room? One of Stuart's testicles falls out of his trunks. Lord Sugar bristles. Hilarity ensues.
Anyway, Raleigh has had to go home. His brother was wounded in Afghanistan, so the boss has one of those rare, heartfelt moments, where he wishes Raleigh well. Then, Stella gets moved over to the boys team. This is point at which this week's episode becomes:
The Apprentice: Gender Politics 101.
Because Stella's a Girl and because she's the team leader, and because she's leading, yer know, A Bunch of Boys, the team is now referred to as Stella's Boys (Boyz). Better than Synergy, I suppose. She's there to keep them in check. She gives them a look as she joins them which just screams ''Call me Stella, Mistress of Pain.'
The task this week is that they have to design beach equipment. So we are treated to the delicious sight of the two teams trying to come up with ideas. The girls/women/ cultural heirs to Emmeline Pankhurst have some neat ideas, before Joanna comes up with some daft tent contraption which lets you read books on the beach without using your hands. Yeah, hate using them hands, me. Turning the pages, having to lie on my back, on a beach, bloody irritating.
Meanwhile, Alex on the boys' team continues his trend for barking out random names - 'The Beach Box! The Beach Station! It's a heron! A tree! A Kinder Egg!' He must be fun in Pictionary and charades games. They design a beach cushion that doubles as a cool bag. Alex suggests that they go all ''Swedish' and use call it the Cuuli. Hey, Alex, Ikea's marketing team is on the phone....yeah they sound pretty angry.
And Alex's justification? 'You've got to take a risk'. Because Lord Sugar invented the video phone and that didn't take off straight away. Let's think about this Alex: Massive Leap Forward in the medium of Human Communication versus beach equipment that your dad will probably forget to pack, prompting your parents' first argument at the airport check in. So their focus group is the entire population of Butlin's at Bognor Regis. Yes, and I hear Steve Jobs road-tested the iPod at his gran's retirement home.
Meanwhile, Laura is having a bit of a mare-up, since she can't lead a team. And Joanna won't give up her piss-poor beach-book reader idea. So, after arguing how much they all hate it, they all decide to go with it anyway.
The battle between masculine and feminine continues on the boy's team, as the ladz realise they need a Woman to model Alex's Cuuli. So, naturally they ask Stella, because she's a Woman. My favourite quote of this week is when Chris Bates, after Stella expresses reservation, just cries ''Go on mate, take one for the team'. Ah, young Master Bates. I'm sorry, boy's humour.
So, she says no, but the boyz go shopping for bikinis for Steellaa anyway. Faced with all this lingerie, Stella caves and agrees to do it.
Their products get made, and delivered. The book-reader thingamabob looks like it's made from Meccano. When the boys' mat arrives, everyone is making ''cuuli" jokes. Waahey, ladz in the boardroom.
Then they have to rehearse their pitches for the products. Master Bates wants to do the boys' one, despite the fact that he can't string a coherent sentence together. He's an investment banker by trade, by the way. I knew they lost a lot of other people's money, but I didn't know they were being this sinfully boring whilst they were doing it.
Melissa wants to do it for the girls.
Melissa...and...her....massive shoulder..pads...gaagh can't..look at them.
Chris's presentation sounded like he was reading a children's book. 'So, here is Chris, he's got his cuuli, he's looking cool. He now decides he wants to take a lie down, because he's very tired.' This is in front of Boots, the leading high street retailer by the way.
The girls fudge theirs because power-crazed Joanna wants to take credit for the book monstrosity. Then they refuse Boots exclusivity. I know where they are coming from. I invented an aerodynamic cape that allows me to fly to work, but I didn't want to market it to John Lewis. It...well, it just didn't feel right, you know what I mean?
So, it's the boardroom, and both teams pretty much show that they are to business what Ed Wood was to directing. Laura's team made NO SALES. Like the Deadlock in X Factor, this.
This was pretty shocking, and had me genuinely gripped, because it's a genuine first for the series, as Lord Sugar reminds us.
The girls turn on each other, and rather predictably admit their idea was bad. Then Karen does a monologue about how they are putting women in business to shame. All is missing is Martin Sheen and the orchestral tones of the West Wing. The pioneers get told to 'go back to the house', and then Laura, Joanna and Joy are brought back into the boardroom. Laura is saved, despite looking like a frightened cat for the majority of the episode. Joy goes, because she didn't do anything constructive, like stop Joanna before she commited commercial harry-carry. It's a bit like Hitler executing one of his generals because the poor soul didn't bother to explain that the Fuhrer's idea to quickly invade Russia wasn't feasible.
'But, Mr Hitler, sir, you've got yourself a terrible temper when you get goin'. The boys just get all in a tizz when you start yellin' sir.'
Joy, whose name is tinged with a certain tragic irony as she's bundled into the black car and sent off into the London night, remarks that she's better off out of it. Joanna goes home and starts bleating that if she had to be told she was a complete no-hoper, she'd rather hear it from the best business man in the country. Wow, that girl can turn any bad news into good, can't she?
Mortgage broker Jamie does his best Yoda impression and reminds her it's okay to make mistakes, but you must learn from them.
Amen.
Next week, they're selling cakes and muffins and managing to do that ineptly too.
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