Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh. Melisssaaaaa. Shoulder paaaaaads.
Sorry, back to the review.
The story of this week's Apprentice is the fall of Melissa Cohen, the blond haired master of bad grammar. She sounded a bit bunged up with cold this week, poor lass. She still manages to be annoying, even when she looks at the end of her rope.
This week, the gang get called to the Science Museum. Jamie/Master Yoda, deduces that the task is either to do with "science" or "museums". Whoaa there Jamie, that was the sound of my mind BLOWING.
Lord Sugar tells them they have to sell new products/innovations to trade. They basically have to pick products that they think are sales worthy, and then sell them on to major retailers. They've been called to the Science Museum because that's where things that got invented are, you know, exhibited.
Jamie becomes the leader of Synergy. Melissa wants to be the project manager again, but no one votes for her. She looks full of flu and resentment, though it's mostly resentment.
Meanwhile, Chris Bates elects himself leader of Apollo. Chris does a little fist clench at the camera, then goes on to argue "I've proved throughout this process that I'm very good at pitching, I've proved that I'm good at selling as well." For "good at pitching" read "narcolepsy inducing". There's also a delightful moment where Nick writes something in his diary, and Chris just looks at him and gulps.
There are some eclectic items on display; a mask that gives you a facelift. I think I saw one of those in Die Another Day. There's a pilates machine, which Chris tries out. There's a t shirt and jeans that automatically buff you up/keep in the love handles. Stuart doesn't like them over on Synergy, but Chris's team goes for them. There's an eco-friendly shower head, which Synergy snap up.
Stuart, after a few weeks of good behaviour, decides to come out of retirement and become a massive ball-ache to anyone he makes eye contact with. His best moment of complete non-diplomacy comes in the moment of a presentation for some baby clothing which tells you when a baby is overheated. "Uh, would I be right in thinkin' that a baby would be DEAD if it reached 39, or 40 degrees celsius". Chris's team are dead diplomatic, and treat the woman demonstrating the Baby-Glo product like an actual person. So naturally, she gives it to them to sell.
So, to sum up, Jamie's Synergy has the eco-friendly shower head, and some uh, spades.
[I need to get in touch with my friend Caitlin, who now works at the Science Museum, but I'm fairly certain that spades have already been invented. I think these are orthopaedic spades, which mean you don't have to bend over when you garden. Wahhey, bend over, more ladz banterrr]
Meanwhile, Chris's Apollo end up with the Baby Glo and the jeans that alter your molecular density or what have you. Only by default, though, when you consider that Stuart just insulted the inventors of those two products.
Then they have to go off and sell their chosen products on. The first port of call is a Department Store, which the BBC is, I believe, not allowed to name in voiceover, because of some rules regarding product placement or something? Anyway, I think I overheard one of the teams saying "Debenhams" so I deciphered the producers' ingenious code.
Here is where Melissa comes into her element because The Department Store That Shall Not be Named doesn't sell shower heads, or garden tools. The pitch basically breaks down like this:
"This is a shower-head"
"We don't sell showers"
"But if you wanted to expand your target market"
"We have shown no interest into expanding into this market"
"If I could move on to the spade item
"We don't sell spades...why are they in Debenhams?"
After Melissa has tried and tried and tried, they leave. Maybe she sneezed on them.
Debenhams (argh don't say it three times) seem to like the Baby Glo and the Super-Jeans. Chris is marginally less boring this week. I think I managed not to lunge for the remote and switch over to Friends on E4 + 1.
They are all tired and go home to plan for the next day. Jamie's team has a "DIY superstore" to sell to tomorrow.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT'S B&Q. Well, it could be Homebase. Aargh, someone call Benedict Cumberbatch.
Jamie wants to do the pitch. Melissa makes a face, and plays with a shower head like it's a deadly weapon, asking "what's wrong with me? Because, she does this for a living. No, I think you'll find you flog plastic looking cherry muffins for a living. And stare in desperation at calculators. And commit crimes against fashion.
Later, in an aside, she warns "don't set out to undo me". I didn't know we'd strayed into Roman high tragedy territory here, but there you go.
She works her powers of persuasion again in Leamington Spa, trying to sell the shower head, which breaks down. When the buyers refuse to buy, she looks as though she is going to lunge at them. With a shower head.
There's lots of stuff going on with exclusivity in Soho and those body altering jeans. I think Paloma will win, or get down to the finals, since she's so goddamn ambitious.
The crowning poo in this week's cesspool of business ineptitude is that Stuart and Melissa, who both profess to do this "selling" malarkey for a living, make the least sales. I think I hear Sir Alan sharpening his pointing finger.
So, it's back to the boardroom. It's one of those weeks where both teams have done well, it's just one team sold a lot, while another one sold a lot, alot. In this case, it's Chris team, with the baby glo and the jeans. It's because Liz sold 19,000 pound's worth of orders to Debenhams and loads of baby glos to Kiddycare, and puts the total figure of sales up to 122,000.
(It was B&Q by the way. Cut to shot of this reviewer smoking a pipe and going "a HA")
So the winning team go to a nice spa, and wallow in hot water and their own self-satisfaction. The other team retreat to the cafe of Mediocrity and argue over a very violent violin soundtrack. Jamie blames the "sub-team". Yeah, bloody sub-team. Jamie never gets angry though, because anger leads to hate, and hate leads to SUFFERING.
In the boardroom, it is brought up that Melissa is loose cannon, a mixed bag, a firework waiting to go off. She keeps thanking people for their feedback. Lord Sugar eventually stops this feedback loop and tells her to stop saying "feedback". Jamie brings back the two stars, Stuart and Melissa.
It was at this point that I realised Melissa has stolen her entire wardrobe from Annie Lennox. Annie Lennox in the Eighties. Imagine Annie Lennox with David Tennant's glasses.
She bleats on about feedback, calls herself a "mixed bag" again and then MAKES UP WORDS. Like "professionality". Jamie defends himself well; he's a nice lad, that Jamie.
Stuart, by the way, thinks his best example of business prowess was selling yo-yos in the school playground. The school playground on the Isle of Man.
Melissa is fired, but not before muttering "well done on ganging up on me, you horrible people". She refuses the handshake/hug at the end, telling them both to get out of her face. Duh duh duh duh, duh duh, duh duh - don't tooouch me. God, you'd think it was the Queen Vic/the cast of Dallas she was leaving, not The Apprentice.
In the taxi, Melissa goes all "Samuel L Jackson in Pulp Fiction" on our asses, warning that "karmically, they will be retributed". Because "the universe speaks louder than I do".
Bye bye Melissa, you mixed bag of professionality. At least with the shoulder pads gone, I can look directly at the screen again.
Next week, there's a fashion themed show. I swear I saw Karren and Nick masquerading as shop window dummies.
Meanwhile, I'd really appreciate you're feedback on my review. How can I improve if you don't give me any feedback?
Damn you Meeeelisssaaaaaaaaa.
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