So, I thought I'd flick on to ITV2, because I've nothing better to do (probably not true) and can safely say that all the speculation about the format of the new version was in no way a waste of precious oxygen (it was).
They say that when you go to the USA, a lot of stuff over there is like it is here, just bigger. Food portions is one great example you will hear people bring up often. It turns out the same is true of our, perhaps unwisely exported, television 'talent' shows. Everything about American X Factor is bigger, the stadiums, the judges' chairs, the judges' ability to talk nonsense, Simon Cowell's propensity towards evil, they're all bigger, more noticeable. So, what differences come from dragging the X Factor across the Atlantic?
1. Cowell's tan - I don't know how, but somehow the Dark Lord of Recording Contracts has found a deeper, bronze hue which somehow increases his ability to look calculating every time he sees a potential winner. I have concluded that the tan forms a delightful contrast with his eyebrows, meaning you can see literally see the cogs turning underneath his square-top cranium.
2. No Louis Walsh - Some may think it's a good thing that there is no one on the new panel who can possibly taint it with his shady Westlife connections, or his demented Irish ramblings. However, the panel without him takes itself way too seriously. Everything about the American X Factor is all about destiny, and seizing your moment. Whenever they stumble on a star, you wouldn't think this show could crawl any further up its own bum, but it can and does. And all because Louis isn't there, waving his biro in people's face.
3. Loss of sense of humour/irony - In the UK, if someone is bad, they get mocked in a fairly awful, point-and-laugh, carnival-esque way. But it's all in good humour, the judges roll their eyes, tut, maybe Simon throws a look to his bouncer. In America, Nicole Shereerrrzingeeeeer and Paul Abdul appear to be generally aggrieved, insulted, appalled by poor performances. Almost as though the producers haven't devised a cunning way for hundreds of people to make absolute tits of themselves. When the Botox wears off, maybe they'll rediscover smiling.
4. The sob stories are even more ludicrous - Lest we forget, the gap between rich and poor is wider in America. So I guess, when people have failed, or have had it rough, they really, really, really have. The most questionable was the guy who had smoked weed, and then fallen down the slippery slope into harder drugs. Upon appearing on the show, he was 70 days clean. I think I heard from somewhere that, when you're in rehab, you shouldn't make any life changing decisions for at least a year. I could be wrong, but even that doesn't excuse the clearly staged moment when Simon looked this guy in the eye and said "you need to stay clean, we're putting you through on the condition you stay clean, blah blah blah". The man saluted Simon. I would, he's made his own television show even more transparently shameless than it was before.
5. No Peter Dickson. Enough said really. JAMIE ARCHER! Ahem. Aww, shucks, I miss Peter Dickson.
Cheryl Cole appears at two auditions. I could understand her!!
I know, and she's a Geordie and everything.
Nicole Sheeeeerziingeeer also turned 21 on this week's episode. She got the adoring crowds to sing "Happy Birthday" to her.
"To meeeeee".
Simon at one point, awkwardly shuffles into her dressing room with a cake. He had to do something nice for another human being, cut him some slack, yeah? Facepalm
